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A Guide to Sexual Flow
Are you tired of feeling disconnected or unfulfilled in your sex life? Do you crave a deeper, more satisfying connection with your partner(s)? The key to achieving this level of intimacy may lie in finding your flow.
I saw a TED Talk by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi about “FLOW, The Secret to Happiness” and of course, it inspired me to try to break this down for y’all.
Flow is when you are so involved in an activity that it becomes effortless. You’re completely absorbed in the present moment, not worrying about what came before or worrying about what might happen next. In this state, your focus and concentration become effortless, allowing you to explore and be creative with your partner.
To experience flow in your sex life, here are a few ideas that can get you closer to that state:
Set clear goals:
Before engaging in sexual activity, set clear goals to know what you want to get out of the experience. Think “intention setting.” This could be anything from exploring a new fantasy to simply experiencing pleasure with your partner (minus orgasm as the “goal”).
To get into a state of flow during sex, it's important to eliminate distractions that could pull you out of the moment. Turn off your phone, put on some music to help you relax, and create a comfortable environment that allows you to fully focus on the experience. (if you’ve got kids, maybe they’re out with a sitter while you’re staying at home).
Focus on the connection
Begin with each of you tuning into your breath. Then notice the sensations you feel in your body. Turn your attention to your partner and their body. Notice what turns your partner on and how they respond. Pay attention to their reactions, both verbal (including the ummms and ahhhs) and nonverbal cues. You can experiment with different sensations, speeds, rhythms, and pressures until you find something that brings out a deep sense of pleasure for both
(NOTE** I have a tool on my website called The Touch Lab Cheat Sheet that can help you to find all of the places on your partner’s body that turn them on [and vice versa]).
To experience sexual flow, you want to find that sweet spot where you are fully engaged and absorbed in the moment. It's about discovering new sensations, exploring your desires, and being present in your body. This means taking risks and trying new things that feel exciting and arousing without pushing beyond your limits. Whether it's experimenting with different positions or exploring new fantasies, the key is to challenge yourself in ways that feel authentic and pleasurable to you.
To fully immerse yourself in the sexual experience, it's important to stay present in the moment. Go slow. Avoid getting lost in thoughts about the past or future and instead focus on the sensations you are experiencing right now.
Enjoy the process:
In a state of flow, the process of achieving your goal is just as important as the goal itself. Similarly, in sex, it's important to enjoy the journey and not just focus on reaching orgasm or other end goals.
You can apply the same concepts of flow to your sex life as you do to other areas of your life. It's all about finding that sweet spot where you're both challenged and skilled enough to fully engage in the experience. So, don't be afraid to try new things, push your boundaries (in a safe and consensual way, of course), and get into the zone. By doing so, you'll create a more fulfilling and satisfying experience for yourself and your partner.
That’s it! Happy exploring, and have a great time! There are so many different ways to enjoy intimacy with your partner (that aren’t just about s-e-x), and it's important to stay open-minded when exploring them. Don't be afraid to try something new or experiment - you may end up discovering something that you both enjoy! Above all, make sure that you listen to each other and communicate openly. This will ensure that your intimate moments are mutually pleasurable, safe and respectful.
p.s., If you're ready to take your flow to the next level, consider checking out the Couples Massage Video Course by my friend Denis at MELT. This course will teach you and your partner how to create a relaxing and sensual flow in your massage practice, leading to deeper intimacy and connection. By learning new massage techniques and exploring each other's bodies, you can tap into that state of flow and experience a heightened sense of pleasure and relaxation.
Happy flowing and massaging!