Why We Choose Immediate Gratification Over Long-Term Happiness in Relationships
Hyperbolic Discounting: Navigating Short-Term Desires in Relationships
I was reading Peter Attia's latest book, "Outlive: The Science and Art of Longevity," and he talks about a fascinating concept from the world of economics: "hyperbolic discounting,” which is the idea that people are more likely to choose an immediate reward over a larger delayed reward. Attia's exploration of this idea made me think about sex (naturally…) and how this is something that we see in our lives every day - we sometimes prioritize short-term gratification over happiness in the long term.
Immediate Pleasure vs. Lasting Happiness
In dating & relationships, we often face moments where what we want right now seems to clash with what we know is better for us in the long run. It's like we're at a crossroads where one path leads to quick, easy pleasure and the other to the lasting joy of a strong, connected relationship.
Quick Fixes vs. True Solutions
Ever find yourself Googling a relationship problem, or maybe getting advice from friends? Sometimes, these sources lead us to conclusions based on societal messages or influences we see in media and/or pornography, which can be filled with stereotypes and false info about sex and relationships. This is what I call the "common enemy problem" – accepting easy answers over looking at our issues in a deeper way.
The Seduction of the Now
This is where the concept of hyperbolic discounting really plays out. Take a monogamous relationship for example: You might be tempted to choose actions that offer quick satisfaction – like swiping on a dating app or getting a bit too flirty with someone who isn’t your partner – instead of doing the tough but rewarding work of honest communication and connection-building in your relationship.
Recognizing and Redirecting Your Choices
There’s this interesting point George Lucas made in a talk, which I think really applies here. He talked about two kinds of happiness – pleasure and joy.
Pleasure is like that quick rush – exciting, sure, but fleeting. It's the buzz you get from something new and fun (his examples include cars and a gulfstream), but it doesn't last long. Then there's joy – a deeper, more lasting kind of happiness that comes from meaningful connections and experiences. In our relationships, we often face this choice: go for the immediate rush of pleasure or invest in the lasting joy of a deeper bond. Recognizing when we’re chasing fleeting moments and learning to shift our focus towards building lasting joy can make all the difference in our relationships.
Empowering Yourself with Knowledge
Educating yourself about the importance of comprehensive sex education and the impact of media and pornography on intimacy perceptions can be eye-opening. Diving into resources (like the ones on my blog) that help you make informed choices can lead to a healthier, happier relationship.
It's never too late to shift from hyperbolic discounting to nurturing a relationship that thrives long-term. If you’re ready to start this journey, I’m here to help – whether it's through coaching or the resources on my blog. Your relationship's future is an investment worth making.
xxoo,
Lanae
In case you missed it…
Here are some things I’ve been writing about over on my blog. Less things I wanna talk about (like over here), and more things people might google for answers.
No Nut November: A Critical Look at the No-Fap Challenge