The Truth About the Friendzone

Why Friendship Matters in Love

I want to rethink and redefine the 'friendzone.' Often seen as a pit stop of unrequited love, it's time to view it in a new light. Picture the friendzone not as a setback but as an opportunity. Here, being friends isn't a second-best scenario but the solid ground from which a strong, lasting love can emerge. So, as you read this, let's think about the friendzone as a starting point, not a dead end.

The "friendzone" is a term often used in popular culture to describe the situation where one person in a friendship develops romantic feelings for the other, while the other person remains only platonic. The term is usually used in a negative way, suggesting that the person who has an unrequited love for their friend is somehow being "used" by the friend who doesn't reciprocate their feelings.

When it comes to dating and relationships, one crucial aspect often gets overlooked: the value of being friends first. In our culture, there's a lot of emphasis on instant 'chemistry' and the romantic spark. Movies, songs, and social media often depict love at first sight as the ideal, making us believe that unless there's an immediate, powerful attraction, a relationship isn't worth pursuing.

What even is chemistry? One person’s “we finish each other’s sentences” is another’s “we want to rip each other’s clothes off.” Chemistry can be very misleading. And it’s not even really measurable! Chemistry can evolve or develop over time - think back to those romantic love letters (pre-internet, obvi) where pen pal relationships had the time and space to blossom into love.

Relationships can develop after being friends first. Think about the long term - if you're going to be together for years, you might wanna like the other person. Liking each other is as important as anything else. I personally think the concept of "friendzone" should be reclaimed because intimacy, closeness, and general liking of the other person are important in dating and relationships. 

This isn't just anecdotal. A study published in Social psychological and personality science found that many successful romantic relationships were rooted in friendship. The study emphasized that friendships provided a safe space for emotional connections to flourish without the initial pressure of romantic expectations, leading to stronger, more enduring relationships.

So, when we think about long-term companionship, the ability to like and enjoy each other's company, to share laughs and mutual interests, is as important as any other aspect of the relationship. It's the glue that holds couples together through life's ups and downs, making the journey not just bearable but enjoyable.

My daughter’s mature conclusion

I got my daughter's permission to share a conversation from some years ago. I don't remember how the conversation started, but she told me she wants to find somebody that she feels perfectly comfortable with before she will want to start having sex. And I said, "wow, that's interesting. Why do you say that?" And she said, "Because I get the sense that sex is awkward and I want to find somebody that I can be awkward with."

“Somebody I can feel awkward with” sure sounds like a friend. Now, that is a level of maturity that I did not have about this topic in my teens. It goes to show that the seeds and ideas that we plant when they're young, they do pop up later, possibly in ways that we didn't even anticipate they them to grow. 

Dispelling Myths

I've heard many times that parents are afraid that when you teach kids about sex, they're just going to go out and do it. Besides talking about sex as if it was a normal part of life, I sent my kids through Our Whole Lives, the Unitarian Universalist church's comprehensive sex education program. And I can confidently say educating kids about sex and relationships, including the importance of friendship and emotional connection, can actually lead to more thoughtful and considered choices in their romantic lives (like my daughter’s conclusion above). This understanding can help dismantle the negative ideas of the friendzone, teaching young people the value of developing connections beyond just physical attraction

Instant Gratification in Relationships

We live in a culture that is obsessed with instant gratification, and we want everything now - including relationships. We want the fireworks, the sparks, the passion...and we want it now. But real connections often need time to grow and deepen, just like friendships. Understanding this can help us appreciate the journey of developing a relationship, rather than rushing to label it or dismiss potential partners who might currently be in the 'friendzone.' In a world quick to judge and categorize our relationships, remembering the importance of building on a foundation of friendship could lead to more meaningful and lasting connections.

Why Being Friends First Is Important

Being friends first has a lot of advantages. For one, you already know that you like spending time with the other person. You're not just blindly jumping into a relationship with someone you don't know anything about. You also have an opportunity to see what they're really like - not just what they show on the surface. Trust me, there's a big difference. And lastly, being friends first gives you time to develop feelings slowly and organically. There's no pressure to rush things or make any major decisions right away. 

When you're friends first, you have a chance to get to know each other on a deeper level without all the distractions and expectations that come with dating and relationships. You learn about their values, their sense of humor, their likes and dislikes...all the things that are essential in compatibility. And if you're compatible as friends, there's a chance you'll be compatible as more than friends. I would argue that being friends first is one of the most important notions for a lasting, happy relationship.

No Guarantees, But Worth a Chance

Of course, being friends first doesn't guarantee that a relationship will blossom - but it certainly increases your chances. So next time you meet someone and don't feel an immediate connection, don't write them off just yet. Get to know them better as a friend first - who knows where it might lead? 

The Bottom Line

At the end of the day, being friends first is all about giving your relationship a solid foundation. It’s about starting with mutual respect, genuine interest, and a connection that goes beyond just the surface level. This approach to relationships, where friendship lays the groundwork, is not just about avoiding the dreaded 'friendzone'; it's about redefining it. 

So, the next time you find yourself developing feelings for a friend, remember that this isn't a setback – it’s an opportunity. An opportunity to build something lasting, something real. And even if romance doesn't blossom, you've gained an invaluable connection, a friendship that in itself is a beautiful, meaningful outcome.

xxoo,

Lanae